watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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