Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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