Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
