i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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