oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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