you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I can't turn off my feet"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
