We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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