I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
