Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
