I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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