How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
My cat gives me a boner
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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