I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
