Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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