When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
well, you know. whores of a feather.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I love you.
Bad choice
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