sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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