Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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