if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
