So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Randomize
