Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
