she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
