she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
