My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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