I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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