I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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