i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
