I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
