I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
