last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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