I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
