Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
