You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
