I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
