last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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