I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
