Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
