apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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