You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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