I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
