First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
