the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
