im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
