Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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