your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
