my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
