when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
