hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
