Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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