I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
