my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
