my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
