I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
